ALCOHOLIC

 A couple of months ago I checked into this hotel. There was a Bible beside the bed.

I opened it and there was a message. It said if you are an alcoholic and have a drinking problem call this number for help.

I called it. It was a Liquor Store!  😎

CAB DRIVER AND NUN

 A cab driver and a nun...

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…

1) You have to be single and

2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

Old Woman Shoots Husband

 

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner. 

Then she calls 911 and tells them "I told my husband that if he walks through the kitchen after I mopped then I would kill him. He didn't listen and I shot him."

Emergency dispatch immediately sends an ambulance for the husband and a squad car for the wife. The chief of police hears about the call shortly afterwards, thinks it's a rather strange story so he drives to the house. When he gets there his officers are still waiting outside.

He asks "Officers, why haven't you gone inside and arrested the woman?"

They reply "Sir we can't go in now. The kitchen floor is still wet."

Addiction To Viagra

 I was once addicted to Viagra.

It was the hardest time of my life.😎

Overdose From Viagra

 I just learned that a friend of mine just died from an overdose of Viagra. His wife took it really hard.

So sad.

They said at his funeral they couldn’t close the casket so they had to bury him upside down. So sad. 😎

BEER FOR THE HORSES, VIAGRA FOR THE MEN

 I’ve heard that some Nursing Homes have started giving their male clients a daily dose of Viagra at bedtime.

It has reduced the number of old men from rolling over and falling out of bed during the night injuring themselves. 😎

WORDS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOUR DOCTOR.

Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? 

Me: Good news please 

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you.

A HOMELESS MAN’S FUNERAL

As a bagpiper, I play many places. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family  or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years 

THREE LEGGED CHICKEN

A realtor who was out driving on a back road on his way to look at some property and suddenly noticed down beside him was a chicken keeping pace with him, and he was doing 60 miles an hour. And suddenly the chicken spurted out ahead of him. And it looked to him as if the chicken had three legs. And then it turned and went down a side road and into a barnyard. And the driver turned down that lane, drove into the barnyard. There was a farmer there and he asked him, 'Did you see a chicken go by here?' And the farmer says 'Yep.' 'Did it have three legs?' 'Yep. I raise them that way. I breed them.' ''

Then the realtor asks, '' 'You do? How come?' 'Well, I just love the drumstick and Maw always liked the drumstick and now Junior's come along and he likes it and we just got tired of fighting over it. So I've been breeding three-legged chickens.' '' The realtor then asks, '' 'Well how do they taste?' '' And the farmer replies, '' 'I don't know. I haven't been able to catch one yet.' ''

A city girl named Amy marries a farmer

 A city girl named Amy marries a Wisconsin farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to her,  "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn.  Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The farmer leaves for the fields.  After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.  Amy takes him down to the barn.  They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know.  How would you know this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

Amy turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder......

"I guess it's to hang your pants on."

HOW WERE PEOPLE MADE?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

WIlli AIN’T NO SUNSHINE CoverHerbie Carnes singing this cover with the early beginnings of Riverstreet.Herbie was an awesome talent!

 

TWO CONSENTING ADULTS GO HOME TOGETHER

 After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. 

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks. 

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him. 

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues. 

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 

'Is it your dad or your brother?' 

he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. 

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. 

She whispers in his ear, ‘that's me before the surgery.'

A FARMER DROVE OVER TO HIS NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE

 A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy.

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says

“I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”

“Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment then said

“You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

BLUES JAM - LONGSTREET

 

EVERY DAY I HAVE THE BLUES

 

BORN DOWN IN GEORGIA

 

Longstreet Station Sweet Home Chicago

 

AMERICAN JUSTICE

 

A LIBERAL SOCIALIST DEMOCRAT

 A Liberal Socialist Democrat wakes up in the Hospital. He is real groggy coming out of the anesthesia and couldn’t remember how he got there.

His doctor came in and assured him he was going to be okay and explained that he had an event and we had to perform emergency surgery. The man complained, “Why does my ass hurt like hell?”

We had to perform emergency surgery to remove your cranial thru your rectum. Because of the insane way you have been voting and your continued support of a demented Joe Biden and Socialism we had to remove your head from way up your ass to hopefully save you and the country.

CLEAN AS COLDWATER CAN GET THEM

 A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them.”That afternoon, while eating t

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get out of the way!"

SCISSORS, I WIN

 The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said “papers?”

I said “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.

A TICKET TO THE STATE TROOPERS BALL

 A ticket to the State Troopers Ball !

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.  A Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.”

The officer promptly replied, “Wisconsin State Troopers don’t have balls.”

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said.  He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.  She was laughing too hard to start her car.

HALLELUJAH

Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing "Hallelujah"

[Chorus]
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

[Chorus]
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah


Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

[Chorus]
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Greatest Life Challenge

The greatest life purpose, challenge or accomplishment for any person born into this world is to reconcile and restore their relationship with their Creator. Humanity throughout our existence has tried repeatedly and failed miserably to do so.

Judaism denies any significance of Jesus existence, calling the man a fraud. Islam considers Jesus an insignificant prophet or teacher. Atheist deny the existence of anything greater than themselves.

But the greatest truth ever spoken regarding man's short lived life experience on this planet was spoken by Jesus when he said, "The greatest goal in this life is to love God with all your being and to love your neighbor as your self." Thru this love you can become reconciled with your creator and restore that intimate relationship that once existed when each of us were first created at conception, in the womb, and in the image of our Creator.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."  Jeremiah 1:5

Lord Lead Me Home by Jamie Johnson

I have seen my last tomorrow
I am holding my last breath
Goodbye, sweet world of sorrow
My new life begins with death

I am standing on the mountain
I can hear the angels songs
I am reaching over Jordon
Take my hand, Lord lead me home

All my burdens are behind me
I have prayed, my final pray
Don't you cry, over my body
'Cause that ain't me, lying there

No, I am standing on the mountain
I can hear the angels songs
And I am reaching over Jordon
Take my hand, Lord lead me home
(Take my hand)

I am standing on the mountain
(Lord, I am standing, on the mountain)
I can hear the angels songs
(I can hear the angels songs)
I am reaching over Jordon
(Over Jordon)
Take my hand, Lord lead me home
(Lead me home)
Take my hand, Lord lead me home

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Be Impeccable With Your Word

This agreement discusses avoiding gossip, lies, empty promises, and other ways in which we cause problems with our words. Say only what you mean, and realize that you can cause damage if you're not careful with what you say.

Many people don't realize the power of their words and don't see the harm that can be caused by speaking carelessly, thoughtlessly, or aggressively. Most of us are aware that screaming at someone may be upsetting to them, but subtle little digs at them, or gossip behind their backs, can hurt others more than we realize, and in hurting them, we hurt ourselves. While it's great to be conscientious about how we use our words, this agreement may be hard to follow completely. It's a great goal to aspire to, though, and a good direction to work toward, in any case.

Don’t Take Anything Personally

This concept deals with understanding how other people's behaviors are a reflection of them only. When someone gives us feedback about our behavior or about us as people, it's important to remember that no opinions are truly objective; we all have our biases, our filters through which we view the world. Because of this, we shouldn't take anyone else's view of us or our actions as entirely accurate. When someone says something about us, they're really saying something about themselves and how they view the world.

This is good advice for helping you become less reactive, defensive, and retaliatory, but keep it in balance. While everyone has their biases and there is no such thing as true objectivity, by never taking anything personally, you can really limit your ability to see your own negative patterns and biased thinking and work on developing more healthy patterns and clear-sighted thinking. As M. Scott Peck says in The Road Less Traveled, "The problem of distinguishing what we are and what we are not responsible for in this life is one of the greatest problems of human existence." While it's important to let go of much of our concern over other people's opinions, some feedback should be considered, and the needs of others should also be respected. Don’t give up on the work of distinguishing responsibility, or you end up creating more stress in the long run.

Don’t Make Assumptions

A lot of stress can be created when you assume you know what other people are thinking without checking with them. Understanding that other people might have different motivations for their actions, even drastically varying worldviews from yours, and remembering to really try to understand others and discuss these motivations before jumping to conclusions about their behavior, can go a long way toward preventing interpersonal conflict.

Taking this advice to an extreme may cause you to ignore your intuition about people or common sense about someone's behavior that's personally damaging to you. It can also open you up to manipulation if you train yourself to believe someone's explanation of negative behavior rather than judging the behavior on its own.

Always Do Your Best


By this, Ruiz means to do the best you can at any given moment and you'll have no regrets. Some days, your best isn't as good as other days, and that's okay. As long as you put an honest effort into life, you will have nothing to be ashamed of, and won't beat yourself up over a less-than-stellar performance in retrospect. Points to be aware of: This is good advice for anyone and can help you achieve more progress toward your goals, as well as prevent unnecessary feelings of regret.

I Fear Nothing Of This World Or The Next

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear nothing, for you are in me and I in you.

I fear nothing of this world or the next.

I Had A Dream

I dreamed I was in heaven. I don't know what it means. The colors were bright and vibrant but warm, and I saw people that I knew from this life. They were different because I saw them, not through my human vision, but from my soul's eye and senses. I felt I could be anything I wanted to be or go anywhere that I found love and wanted to be. It was like a close net community where I saw family members and friends who had gone on before me. However, I could see them as they wanted to be seen, healthy, youthful and alive. I appeared to them as I wanted to be seen. There was no sense of ego, time nor place. It was like a bubble. What ever I desired, it became real. What ever I spoke, it became reality. I remember when Jesus said, "less a person be born again," they shall never see the kingdom of God. I dreamed I died of this life, was born again and was transcended into the Kingdom of God and Creation, where I finally found peace.

It's Not About You

Sometimes I like to think of God as a river continuously flowing with life, through me, over me and around me. There have been times in my life I felt I was drowning but always, at the last minute, would come up for air and everything would be okay.

I have never believed that God singles you out to test you and I see now, looking back on my life, the changes, the events that occurred were actually happening for me instead of to me.