I’ve heard that some Nursing Homes have started giving their male clients a daily dose of Viagra at bedtime.
It has reduced the number of old men from rolling over and falling out of bed during the night injuring themselves. 😎
Thursday, April 6, 2023
WORDS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOUR DOCTOR.
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Me: Good news please
Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you.
A HOMELESS MAN’S FUNERAL
As a bagpiper, I play many places. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years
Wednesday, April 5, 2023
THREE LEGGED CHICKEN
A realtor who was out driving on a back road on his way to look at some property and suddenly noticed down beside him was a chicken keeping pace with him, and he was doing 60 miles an hour. And suddenly the chicken spurted out ahead of him. And it looked to him as if the chicken had three legs. And then it turned and went down a side road and into a barnyard. And the driver turned down that lane, drove into the barnyard. There was a farmer there and he asked him, 'Did you see a chicken go by here?' And the farmer says 'Yep.' 'Did it have three legs?' 'Yep. I raise them that way. I breed them.' ''
Then the realtor asks, '' 'You do? How come?' 'Well, I just love the drumstick and Maw always liked the drumstick and now Junior's come along and he likes it and we just got tired of fighting over it. So I've been breeding three-legged chickens.' '' The realtor then asks, '' 'Well how do they taste?' '' And the farmer replies, '' 'I don't know. I haven't been able to catch one yet.' ''
Tuesday, April 4, 2023
A city girl named Amy marries a farmer
A city girl named Amy marries a Wisconsin farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
The farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would you know this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
Amy turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder......
"I guess it's to hang your pants on."
HOW WERE PEOPLE MADE?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Monday, April 3, 2023
TWO CONSENTING ADULTS GO HOME TOGETHER
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear, ‘that's me before the surgery.'
A FARMER DROVE OVER TO HIS NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...
A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy.
“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied
“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked
“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said
The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says
“I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”
“Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment then said
“You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
A LIBERAL SOCIALIST DEMOCRAT
A Liberal Socialist Democrat wakes up in the Hospital. He is real groggy coming out of the anesthesia and couldn’t remember how he got there.
His doctor came in and assured him he was going to be okay and explained that he had an event and we had to perform emergency surgery. The man complained, “Why does my ass hurt like hell?”
We had to perform emergency surgery to remove your cranial thru your rectum. Because of the insane way you have been voting and your continued support of a demented Joe Biden and Socialism we had to remove your head from way up your ass to hopefully save you and the country.
CLEAN AS COLDWATER CAN GET THEM
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them.”That afternoon, while eating t
Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get out of the way!"
SCISSORS, I WIN
The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said “papers?”
I said “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.
A TICKET TO THE STATE TROOPERS BALL
A ticket to the State Troopers Ball !
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.”
The officer promptly replied, “Wisconsin State Troopers don’t have balls.”
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
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